I Love Film Merchandise, Or George Lucas Can Take His Star Wars Figures And Shove Them Up His...

Stuck for some last minute Christmas gifts? How about a DVD of a film they like? Or the Poster for the movie? The toys of the cast of the film? The soundtrack to the movie? Take them to the theme park where the film's official ride is? You could always go to Mcdonalds, buy a happy meal and give them the figures from the movie that come with the food (okay this isn't really an option if, say, their favourite film is A Nightmare on Elm Street - Although a small figure of Freddy Krueger in a kid's happy meal would be brilliant, and let's be honest, Krueger's face actually looks a lot more appetising than half the stuff Mcdonalds serve anyway).

Film merchandising is huuuuuge money. Thousands of companies, unrelated to film, try to create synergies with film companies every year to produce merchandise for the film in an attempt to boost their sales (while helping put bums on seats in the multiplexes for the film's production companies). One of the smartest moves in the history of mankind, was when George Lucas held back the rights to the Star Wars merchandise. He's made a fortune because of it. There's even Star Wars condoms now, which is kind of ironic because no one who likes Star Wars has ever even actually had sex.

I've never really gone in for film merchandise. I have a lot of DVD's (over 800, in fact - clearly bragging here), and I have a few postes (still in their rolls because the wife won't let me have them up -yet her first time attempt at becoming an artist - basically slapping some blue paint on a white canvas and calling it a wave- rests 'proudly' on our dining room wall...), but other than that I have never bothered parting with my 'hard earned' (I use that term loosely) cash.

It's not that I have a problem with people who collect film merchandise, though. People who do, however, collect film memorabilia (such as figures) often get labelled as geeks. This may be because merchandise is particularly popular in the science fiction and horror genres, but I think it's a little harsh to stereotype. Deep down we're all geeks who enjoy collecting things, it's just that while some people collect stormtrooper figures, Batman comics and Pokemon cards, other people collect Vinyl records, girl's phone numbers and sexually transmitted diseases on Saturday nights, when they're out partying.

It seems every film these days has some sort of merchandise that comes with it. Love Ghostbusters? Put on a proton pack and pretend you're Billy Murray; Jurassic Park your favourite movie? Buy all the toys and re-create the film's most iconic moments in your living room; Can't get enough of Indianna Jones? Buy a whip and his hat and spice up your love life; Massive Pulp Fiction fan? Buy a gimp mask; A fan of Saw? Nah me neither...

Whatever your favourite genre, whatever your favourite film, chances are you will be able to find some sort of merchandise for it. So if you fancy treating yourself this Christmas, or are stuck for the awkward person who loves Batman and Robin but says he has everything, then buy him a George Clooney figure that squirts shampoo from the Bat nipples... I bet he doesn't have one of them... Just remember to add my name to the gift tag after you've wrapped it...

I Love How 3D Makes You Feel A Part Of The Movie Or You Charge Me An Extra Pound A Ticket To Hurt My Eyes And Give Me A Headache!

In the land of Hollywood, and further afield, there are certain things occurring right now; Chris O Donnell is working as a sales assistant in HMV wondering why no one has bought a copy of Batman and Robin. Ever; Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer are sat in a room together trying to figure out how they can fit 4000 explosions into their next movie; Robert De Niro is performing the "you talkin' to me" Taxi Driver speech in his sleep while dreaming about a time he used to make good movies; Al Pacino is shouting. Loud; Samuel L Jackosn is simultaneously signing five contracts for movies he's going to star in this week; Perhaps more importantaly, though, some big wigs in Hollywood are greenlighting another bucket load of 3D movies.

Let's get one thing straight - 3D isn't a new thing. It's being invented, killed and brought back to life more times than Feddy Krueger and Michael Myers combined. It was prominent in the fifties when the youth of America were parking their cadillacs at the Drive Thrus' and making out to low budget B movie horrors. It was doing its best to wow audiences in the 80s and 90s as well with such trend killing movies as Jaws 3D. Now, however, it seems to be back with a vengeance - But why? And is it here to stay?

Avatar has a lot to answer to. I'm sure the majority of people have seen it - It's Pocahontus meets the Smurfs. That film where Sam Worthington betrays humantiy, but gets to have sex with Zoe Saldana so it's all okay. That film revolutionised 3D movies and grossed enough money at the box office to buy Jupiter and the starting eleven of the Manchester City football team... Twice. Since Avatar though Hollywood have been quick to try and make every film produced 3D. Even going as far as to tag 3D onto movies that were originally designed to be 2D - Clash of the Titans, anyone? Or even re-releasing older movies in 3D - The Lion King, and coming soon, Titanic. Now some of these have worked, but an awful lot haven't.

Another advantage is the fact technology has moved along so much. Gone are the days of those blue and red 3d glasses and dodgy special effects. I still remember coming home one day to see my Mum wearing a pair of those 3D glasses she'd got free in the paper and my Dad wearing a pair of homemade ones he'd put together using some white card and two quality street wrappers (not even the right colour either; choosing to use a purple caramel nut one instead of a blue coconut one). Obviously he could have bought another paper, but when you're from Yorkshire you do what you can to save money - we were the type of family that shared the bath water on a Sunday night...

It's fair to say my Dad thought the whole 3D experience was terrible, but my mum did too and her glasses actually worked and didn't result in her getting little bits of strawberry cream in here eye...

Another factor that suggests it might be here for the long haul is that some of the elder statesmen are getting involved in the 3D trend. Martin Scorcese is the latest, with his upcoming film Hugo set for a 3D release. I can't wait for them to re-release Scorcese's Casino in 3D; the chance to have that guy from Home Alone popping out the screen calling me a "f***in' c*** su****" 300 times in 2 hours. 

So is it a massive rip off to make Hollywood some extra bucks, or an enhancement of the cinematic experience? Perhaps both... but one thing is certain for me; if the films have good scripts/stories/hot actors and actresses/lots of explosions/basically make a lot of money, then 3D will be here for the long haul, but if we see a run of failures  and box office flops (as has happened before), then 3D will go the way it has in previous cycles... well, until James Cameron can figure out how to burn them straight into our retinas...

There is No Originality Left in Hollywood Or Wahooo Another Horror Remake!

The Thing opens in cinemas today. It's apparently a prequel to the fantastic eighties, John Carpenter, horror classic. It could just as easily be a sequel or a remake, though. It seems lately that a massive percentage of films are either one of the dreaded S, P or R words. Now don't get me wrong I'm not completely against the afore mentioned types of movies, it's just I find it difficult to get excited for films such as Friday the 13th part 67: Jason Feeds the Ducks, or Saw part 8: No one cares anymore.

Then there's the versus movies that have started popping up. Only four people in the world enjoyed Alien Vs Predator (and three of them worked on the movie). Four less than that enjoyed the sequel. I actually quite liked Freddy vs Jason, though. Mainly because it featured Destiny's child member, Kelly 'she's not Beyonce but she'd still get it' Rowland, who thought it would be brave to have a go at taking on Jason... it didn't end well. Hollywood should continue this trend of sticking musical figures in versus films. Michael Myers VS Girls Aloud! People would love that. Although if this last year is anything to go by then we know the Americans wouldn't be able to understand Cheryl Cole's accent, (although we could just kill her off first...).

Then there's the ridiculous amount of rip off straight to DVD movies with near identical front covers; Paranormal Entity, anyone? Last year my mother in Law thought she'd found a bargain when she bought 2012:Doomsday for three quid from Tesco. She failed to realise it was some cheap rip off that had a fifteen pound budget, and that shot its distaster scenes in a bath tub with micro machines cars and the Thunderbird 4 submarine toy.

It's only a matter of time before they amp up hybrid genres and start mixing movies from completely different genres altogether. In the music world artists from different genres are always collaborating to try and keep things fresh and it seems everyone has someone featured on their latest single these days. So with that in mind I propose Die Hard, Feat. the cast of Saturday Night Fever... AKA Jive Hard!

Bruce Willis in a white vest and flares. Travolta with a machine gun. A final shootout to the Bee Gees classic Staying Alive. That's got billion dollar movie written all over it. I look forward to recieving my cheque, Hollywood.